Usually Silent

I wrote this last year when I was doing lots of online dating. It's not about anyone in particular.

Hello,

I didn't remember your face correctly.

I think the picture did not do justice.

Maybe there is some terror

one of us is feeling without saying.

So, I will break the tension and change

everything yet again, but that hurts.

And, you know I cannot do much

without some measure of pain.

I have nothing to tell, but I can talk

all about my unique situation

and days on end I will await

for a time to trust you with it.

Because, I can see there is a difference

between telling you I hurt

and letting you be a balm for a night

or a day or a week or month

when I have broken down

and chameleon like I go back to being

invisible and staying home everynight

where I envy the worst of those

that haunt the places where

we tactlessly search for sex.

I guess being a man is

not what I expected a year ago.

I thought it was easier.

I thought it had a tangible reward.

But, it means being alone sometimes.

It means knowing that alone is not always lonely.

It means laughing in the face of my denial.

It means saying, "Fuck fear."

And, sometimes taking your clothes off

in the middle of a party

and realizing that you are imperfect

and that imperfect is what is sexy

because there is nothing better in the world

then loving something imperfect

and watching it change,

hoping that its newest incarnation

is better, or stranger, or something.

I've had my trails of tears

and I have no regrets

except for those things I did not do.

If in ten years I cannot walk

if in five years I cannot type

and every joint and bone and muscle aches

with a fire that gnaws at my soul;

if my mind betrays me again

and I see things inside out and upside down

beyond reason and normal imagination

I guess I will know that right now

I left nothing out.

I did nothing but live.

Like a man.

Mostly.

I hope you can accept that.

I mean, there are days I can't.

And this is my life.

This is just more proof

that my primary mode of communication

is disclosure and letting you know what's wrong.

Even if I am scared of it.

I think that was a lot to say for one night.

Oh, and your face,

I didn't remember it correctly,

and I meant to say that I like it a lot.

But, I don't expect to see it again any time soon.

I am crazy and I'm broken.

But, I am in love with myself.

Which is more then I can say for most people.

Close your eyes.

Give me a kiss.

Without goodbye.

But, you know,

I would like to see you again.

My phone is on vibrate.

But, usually silent.