You Were the Stone

I've never been much for dreams
I've so few I recall in the morning
There are few that have stuck we me
like the one about you and I
shopping for produce Sunday morning.
I awoke to find you next to me
and I think you thought my joy was...
well, some form of a sickness.
You were scared to be rejoiced in.
Terrified of having someone love you,
and need you because of love,
and not the other way around.
The hard thing is you're one of the few
who understand the causal arrow
and that maybe it is out of our control.
It's been long enough you should not
still be lurking around my soul
not like this, you should be a good memory
the bad ones don't seem to have faded
something around the last two years
means I am full of things I didn't know
things that are heavy, things that won't die
things that flitter through my memory
at scents, at songs, at places, at people.
It seems like everything is connected to you.
You marked the beginning of my new life.
The one where I could believe fully
that I was good-looking and smart.
The one before that was lonely.
Some days I still wish I could turn things back.
I say that all too often as if I had a choice.
I say that with everything I know
I wouldn't go home with you that night,
and we wouldn't spend the weekend,
or the next 3 months lying next to each other.
I say that I wouldn't have taken you back 3 times.
I say I shouldn't have let you break my heart
and even when I thought the tattered pieces
were once again whole, there are still cracks.
I've let everyone else in to try to fill them in.
But, they've only been a finger in a dam.
Why you? Why the hell was it you?
I've done everything I could to hate you.
I remember all the bad things you said,
the terror and the fear and the hurt
the midnight phone calls to friends
the crushing loneliness afterwards.
Maybe I'm just broken after all.
I mean, two trips to the hospital
and I'm still crazy, so maybe
it's not you, maybe you're the scapegoat.
Maybe I broke my own heart
and you were kind enough to be the stone
I beat myself against.