Whole Tapestry

Not sure if it's just a thread,
or, the whole tapestry of
pathos, determined pain,
a measured cost I paid.

And, I'm the only one measuring
all the little things, double entry
and I have to wonder if I should
have ever made the first one.
I used to think it was worth it to love.


I don't know any more
if my math comes out even
when a heart is involved,
broken calculus could
make this all feel better.


Maybe I'll just go back to writing
half-hearted love letters, the kind
you'd wonder if it would ever be sent,
and I'd hold on to them for
the rest of eternity.

Not Much Anymore

Well, I don't miss you much anymore
cutting ties like wrists and push ups
are just there to bleed the poison
from my limbs faster then light
travels from my heart to my bed.

Well, I changed my world one night
and you were never in or out with
or without a fight, so I guess I know
the answer to meant-to-be questions
that I used to think I was done with.

I wonder when will you bleed?
For all the wrong that you've done?
I wonder when will you see?
More to the world then what we've been.

It took a fist full of nights, good luck,
bad drugs, and a fighting heart to get
me past all the bullshit and pain that came
down from loving you like rain. Still
I don't know if I'll ever be done.

So, get me high enough that I can't feel
anymore.  I guess you tried when we
were something more complicated
like sticks and stones and throwing
my heart into the night of your love.

Fooling Myself

And, so I guess we're dead.
And, it's taken months.
Or, has it been years?
My heart doesn't know.
Keeping time in beats
that never seem to slow.
I don't think I ever imagined
blindness the way you presented.
I don't think I ever thought
this could have been me.

The very thought of love being
such a lie, the way you presented
everything you thought you wanted
is the antithesis of my life.
Here, where trust is the basis of everything
I have ever done, hope being
the only light to guide me and you
don't see the light the same way.

I loved you even when I knew I was wrong.
I loved you despite everything I had proof of.
I do not regret that love, only the fooling myself.

Love Inspired Words

Lately I've wondered why
love inspires words that aren't
so complimentary, anymore.
Words like fear and pain,
and phrases like, "Fuck you."
instead of soft words and
caresses on warm skin.
It seems to me that when
I wrote of light years and
of passions that move the
stars to take notice, I was
meaning only young-man-lusty-things,
things that do not last,
things that grow in the dark of
not-being-yourself,
things that only seem to change
not the eternal this-is-what-we-live for.

I was afraid what writing these words would bring.
More afraid of the consequence of others seeing
me as a broken man, when I'm fine
(maybe a bit angry)
and I'm free again of excess weight.
Every day I clip a cord that tied me to him.
If I ever knew passion in his kiss,
I do not now remember it.

Not Babel

And, so I was right.
Though in the middle
I would not assign us
a half life.

But, not dreams of
despair, ending, hoping
like I thought I'd have.

If you were really Babel,
I'd be dying today.
Unable to say why.
I don't mind you gone.

This is a different universe.
I can build castles in clouds.
And, I move mountains
and build ladders
getting to them.

My heart is free.
For the first time in years.

Eye-to-Heart

All that want could summon,
in that place where you do not
see eye-to-heart with all of your life
I found some little piece of freedom,
a fleeting light place you cannot hold.

So, I shall cleave the rock and find
a god with no scripture within it.
And, this love I have searched for
in every nature'd corner will
afford some sleep like I've never known.

It makes for better conversation
when you don't know the words
but, I think we'll get by.

And, it changes all your logic
when you forget to sleep
and that's something of which you could die.

I will never be the only one
Reading old poetry.

drinking til I throw up.

No one ever said
you had to know
how to die before
it comes your time.
But, I still think
Sylvia had an idea or two.