These Primordial Circumstances

What primordial circumstance
brought about this planet
through physics and chance
accretion, thermodynamics, ellipses
and put it in the place where
every biological compound could thrive
and form through eons of mutation
things barely comprehended
in their ancient and distance space
I bless the day the first strand of DNA
came about and through the ages
of extinctions and explosions of populations
meteors and ice ages and predation
I rejoice in the supernova-ed star
that burst into the disc from which
the Earth and her neighbors are formed
every black swan every unknown
every missing link, every scientific doubt
every geological shift
every turn of the galactic center
everything to consider in the history of the universe
every quantum, every string in the theory
I love all of these
because that means there is you.

To Evening

Wrote this recently. =)

To Evening,
you sinner, thief
how could I lay here
and not know
you would leave?
And taking all of my heart
and all of his scent
upon my skin, upon my hair
you liar.

Though you return
you do not bend time
if my happiest moments
were within your arms
your burden has been dropped
somewhere along the path to day.

Oh, Evening,
Let some semblence
of that happiness return
when a man comes
once again changes
everything I thought,
I dreamed, I desired.

Return to me with that burden
to where I dreamt
joined by a man
and his scent
upon my skin, upon my hair.

To Evening,
I do not know you
as you know me.

The Trouble With Circadian Rhythms

Appropriate for my current bout of insomnia, I think.

The trouble with circadian rhythms
they do not dance within my head
my body does not move within their time
and dreaming only by day
I pass through night restless
with no man to hold me
I've no sense of this passage
the night does nothing to me
I've no chemical reaction
except to the smell of my lover
in my bed to chain me back
to this human clockwork
diurnally opposed, nocturnally desperate.
Where sleep dissipates some pain
solidifies the wisps of memory
I've nothing to show but my sheets
twisted in the shapes
I wish I dreamed in.

Braille

What did your hands read through the braille of my body hair? Did you find an interpretation for every hieroglyph? Reveal the secrets of every inch of me with only your soft, well-trained hands?

It lasted all day, just like things are supposed to. We slowly fell into comfort with each other. Under my hands I felt your tattooed skin, its bumps and untold secrets, everything covered in ink each with a story. Perhaps your skin is the more mysterious for all its many different colors. Perhaps every piercing on your body hides something I cannot comprehend, you are a labyrinth of mysteries, and I can only rejoice in that.

I've never made out in a changing room at a department store before, but it was the perfect moment in which to do it. The stars aligned, perhaps, to create that moment wherein the firefly sparks lit up behind my eyelids.

I didn't think it would turn out like this.

Stop Holding On

Stop holding on so tight to feeling a certain way. This is the advice I give to myself so often. Stop holding on to being healthy, stop holding on to the idea that you have to be happy, stop holding on to the idea that pushing yourself until you can't handle life is the only way to live. Stop. Fucking. Holding. On.

Sometimes just letting go of the idea that you're supposed to feel a certain way is the thing in the world that helps the most. It's really nice to just float along without grasping anything. Accepting that things, you mood, your health, your level of success your respect, these are all fluctuating things. Life is fickle as a plastic bag blowing in the wind, sometimes it's a gentle breeze, other times it's a hurricane.

Life changes, you change.

The first time we kissed there were sparks like fireflies all around. That's one of the saddest parts of living in this high mountain Paradis-Bolgia (thank you Dante), no fireflies here to watch from the porch or run around and play catch and release. They truly are a wonder of this world.

And a KISS! A kiss that reminds a man of fireflies should be cherished; it is joy, it is contentment, it is the childlike absorbtion of the mind in one singular sensation. How could anyone ever say that that is wrong just because in this case it happens to include same-sex attraction? I think it's the people who've never experienced that kiss that hate the love people of the world show to each other, gay straight or something else entirely.

I keep coming back to that kiss. It was not just an instance of lips touching lips. It was a full body movement, it included every muscle and bone. It had the whole of my world wrapped up in it. It was one of those moments. If a comet had fallen from the sky and killed me then and there when I stood locked with your body in the beginnings of love where only beauty existed...I would have had no regrets and nothing greater to want.

It is moments like this that keep me from moving to a high mountain monastery, taking a vow of celibacy, and never speaking again. It is that piece of the beauty of the world that I am looking for every time I look in the eyes of a man on a date. When I see into someone else I hope that they contain that same spark, that same alchemy that I've experienced before. It is those perfect happy moments that make all the hair pulling frustration of dating worth it.

You can only be as sad after a relationship as you have been happy in it. It's so dangerous. How can one resist? Man could be the only animal that does things that hurts him on purpose. Or, it could be he knows from some experience or Jungian superconcious that the joy and the pain go together, and you can't have one without the other. Which is why I choose to feel the full extent of the pain, and the full extent of the pleasure. Life is beautiful.

A Galivin Center Free Concert in July 09

We were at a free outdoor concert with your friends. The concert was well attended to the point there were too many people there for my comfort. We were both anxious you were drunk, and probably high, and so sexy mostly in black in July. God, I wanted you. Your friends were all in the same state you were in. They were all the type to let it all hang out, those are my kind of people, which I think you knew.

I got there a half an hour earlier then you did thanks to my amazing ability to find parking and navigate crowds on my own. I got to wait and watch people, which I was expert at. It was fascinating to my Anthropologist sensibilities. There were ALL TYPES there. Men and woman (and some who, like us, were both and neither). Hippies, grandparents, business men, children, all races, creeds, and probably a few extraterrestrials. No one was in their bubbles, they were all blended like when you take all your fingerpaints and mix them together.

You showed up, finally. I was nervous you weren't going to show. We'd only know each other a week or two, maybe three. You were my boyfriend by that point, it was so nice. We were on the same page, I wanted to write about Adam Smith at the time, and you didn't know who he was, I was okay with that, if everyone read the Wealth of Nations we'd all hate capitalists.

We tried to listen to the music there, but the mass of people with their soft bodies covering their hard skeletons absorbed all the sound and we barely heard anything that was just the roar of existance all around us. We ran through the crowd, two MEN holding hands in the middle of a city founded by a religious minority fearing prosecution (there's another story from the same night happening to different people at the same time when they kissed near a temple and got arrested for tresspassing according to this same former religious minority). We got dirty looks, we made out in public to piss those fuckers off. It was hot.

We went to your house for the first time, your bed was incredibly comfortable. You were so sexy, even if you were afraid of the size of your nipples.

I think before that we went to some greasy-spoon chain restuarant and I bought you dinner. It was fun. Later after we once again made that release of oxytocin and male hormones rage through our bodies we laid there and listened to your records. I think that was the first time I ever LISTENED to music.

I think your sheets needed to be washed, but I didn't care, I just wanted to be there with you.